In the Eyes of a youth

I received an email asking to share this with people and I think it is worth putting on my site. Reading it made me sad, thinking of all the families that go through this everyday, not only in Belize but all over the world.

Today as I stand here against the graffiti painted wall in the heat of the midday sun, I realize what has me standing here; a lost soul, a lonely person yearning for something I will not attain. I realize that my mother had to live and work her last bit of energy for me and my family, to provide us with an education that I should have taken serious. The many advises to make something of myself so I would not regret it later on. I chose not to follow, I chose to go my way.

Now I stare in the eyes of death as a black car rolls by with a gun in the window ready to fire, I think at me. I take a deep breath and prepare myself for the worst. It is amazing how a second can feel like hours when you’re on the spot. I see my life, my doings, flash before me. I see what I could have been, what I should have been; that dream I had of being a person that everybody admired as a child, it stops in front of me only to say “I’m sorry my friend, good-bye.” It is now that I see my mom did not make my life difficult, she did not want this for me; I did this to myself. All the years growing up when my dad wasn’t there to explain life to me and my mom was preoccupied with my siblings. I see now. It must be hard trying to raise a rebel while keeping everything in check. I heard my mom cry many nights about why life has to be so hard, why is it that she was stuck with trying to make ends meet and always falling short by an inch, why she was alone trying to make a family in a no win situation.

I now know it was all for my good for me not to end up like this. Here I am an uneducated 15 year old kid, soon to be staring down the barrel of a loaded gun, no future, no goals in life. I stare at the car thinking what it would have been like if I was still in school, how could it happen thou? Mom was struggling; I would have ended up out of school to find a job to help her with the bills.

I asked my mom several times for my dad but she said he could not take it anymore. Living in poverty, not being able to provide us a life and keep some money for him. He got selfish, times were rough for them. He would take the frustration out on my mom. One day he left us all alone. My dad, you see, worked for the city council as a garbage truck driver. He got paid just enough for him to pay the bills. My mom worked too to send us to school but even with both pays we did not have enough. After the layoffs was when things got worst. I heard my mom cry at nights after my dad beat her up. She would make breakfast for us early and then lock herself in her room before we awoke for the rest of the day. After he left us mom had to find a way to survive. The beatings stop and mom was much happier but she still lived in sadness; we still barely got to see her with all the work. We had to sell food my mom made, walk all around town until we sold all.

Mom always tried to make our lives better, but being single, could not. Now at 15 I realize I was supposed to be the man of the house after dad left. Now I realize where I should be. My life now is apparently about to end. All of this because of our rich people and the Government officials, filling their pockets and the pockets of their cronies as they say. All this because they want to get ahead but don’t think about people like my mom or the children. No opportunities for a family like mine or for people like me. Others scorn me as they walk by, as if I were a disease of some sort. I can hear my mom crying for me, her first son dying before he could enjoy what he was supposed to, before he became a man or had the chance to regret what he did to himself.

The bullet zooms past me, it misses, I hit the floor and after a second, I started to run but did not know where to go. My mind took over and all I could do was run back home. I told mom sorry for all I did and even though I did not expect a positive reply I was hoping for one. I got the biggest welcome from my mom, even bigger that when I used to come home from school. I am now in school again with a part time job helping moms with the bills and my siblings. I spoke to my dad last week, told him what happened and how we were living. He is working again and has changed his life around, he plans to come home soon if mom accepts him. I know she will, I can still see the love in her eyes.

As for the other people out there like my family and me. I pray for them. I hope that they do not have to walk the road I walked. I hope the Government will see what is happening in our society, what must be done. They need to start pay attention to the society.

I pray to the lord almighty that there will be a change in the way our country is run. Let it be for all and not for one.

Thanks to all who read and appreciate my story and I hope it make a difference in the hearts of many adults and youths on the streets today.