Rules to live by…

I wrote these on FB a bit ago and decided to post them here as well.. Hope you all enjoy these as much as I did…

• Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
• Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
• By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
• Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
• It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
• People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
• You should not confuse your career with your life.
• Never lick a steak knife.
• You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
• Your friends love you just the way you are.
• The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

I found some new ones @ https://www.msu.edu/~jerrymc/humor/advice.html

• Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
• Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
• Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.
• Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.
• Don’t judge people by their relatives.
• Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.